Defining Self-esteem

Central to the concept of happiness is the idea of self-esteem, that is, one’s perception and relationship with one’s self. This relationship is without a doubt the most important in our lives, since we are constantly in our own presence. Whether it is when we are alone or when we are with others, our perception of ourselves is a constant underlying factor behind our cognition. It can therefore be enlightening for us to examine common psychological issues of the day—insecurity, stress, anxiety, and depression—in relation to self-esteem.

Self-esteem as a concept isn’t a singular unified construct. Instead, it is comprised of three often distinct components: dependent self-esteem, independent self-esteem, and self. These three concepts are epigenetic—meaning that everyone must necessarily progress through these stages in order if we wish to improve our self-esteem.

Anxiety & Dependent Self-esteem

The most prevalent and important concept in the modern world is undoubtedly the first stage: dependent self-esteem. For that is the form of self-esteem which most people possess. As we grow and mature, we become highly aware of what others think of us, becoming more perceptive to external stimuli. As children, we know when we have done well when we are told that we have by our parents, our teachers, or our peers. This is necessary, since without sufficient life experience, we lack tangible reference points through which to evaluate our own actions. We receive accolades, praises, recognition, and admiration, and we feel as though we are walking on air. External validation become synonymous with elation, euphoria, and joy. Those of us lucky enough thus attain high dependent self-esteem, completing the first stage of the evolution.

Unfortunately, dependent self-esteem is unsustainable, and works best when it serves as a transitional phase in our development, paving the path to developing independent self-esteem. And yet, due to the nature of our education systems and social values, people who attain high dependent self-esteem often become unable to move past this stage. There is continuous incentives to cling on to dependent self-esteem and insufficient incentives to move on to develop independent self-esteem. As stagnation sets in, what was once a source of motivation and a positive force in our lives becomes a burden and bondage. We become stuck in a continuous, self-destructive cycle in pursuit of external validation.

Lateral comparison with our peers and external recognition become necessities in our lives in order to prop up our ever inflating dependent self-esteem. This process is both counter-intuitive and self-perpetuating, forming a bottomless pit of insecurity within our psyches. Life becomes a constant rat-race, of mindlessly struggling and grinding to reach the next point of validation. But, what we experience when we accomplish great deeds is no longer euphoric elation, only temporary relief. There will always be a greater challenge, a more competitive award, a harder test, a better university, a more high-achieving peer, a taller proverbial mountain. 

Eventually, although we are ever more “successful”, the cycle intensifies and spirals out of control. Like Sisyphus pushing his boulder up a hill, at one point it will become impossible to top our last achievement, to validate ourselves again. Praises will one day turn into criticism, achievements into failure, and recognition into rejection. Unable to accept this reality, our self-esteem will come crashing down, leading to intense negative thought spirals. If dependent self-esteem is all that we have, then this is the fated destination of our lives’ journies.

Furthermore, beyond being highly unsustainable, self-destructive, and plainly unenjoyable, stagnant dependent self-esteem is a potent source of stress and anxiety. Because we rely on the external to justify our sense of self and our actions, we are essentially dependent on something no one can control. “No one knows what the morrow will bring,” and so the future no longer represents hope or infinite possibility, but a seedbed of stress and anxiety. We cannot know if our self-esteem will be sustained tomorrow, whether the next exam, the next competition, the next challenge will provide us temporary relief or crush us. In this vain and futile pursuit, our ambition and true potential are suppressed as we gradually lose our sense of self. We no longer live for ourselves but for others, means have become ends, eternally in search of external validation.

Equanimity & Independent Self-esteem

So, dependent self-esteem is great in moderation, as a transition towards developing independent self-esteem, but highly destructive when relied on for too long. But how does one move past dependence? And more importantly, how does one escape the negative cycle if one has already become stuck in it? The process begins with the recognition of one’s indomitable sense of self. We must believe beyond doubt in our ability to alter reality and to resist its influence. To do this, we need only re-examine our past actions, and see that we have long proven our abilities. Our past should become our wings, not our burden.

This is the cognition part of the ABC (affect, behaviour, cognition) of psychology. To sustain it, we must support it with behavioural change. This is the most difficult and the most rewarding part of the process, for we must constantly strive to put ourselves on the line, and experience failure. When we embrace and accept rejection and criticism, we gradually see that they are not nearly as catastrophic as we once thought them to be. We prove to ourselves through our own actions that our cognition is right, that our sense of self is indeed indomitable. We learned to laugh in the face of difficulty, and smile in the face of failure.

Behavioural change, if sustained, gives rise to emotional change. Once we see that setbacks today are merely the seeds of success in the morrow, that rejections are merely redirection, that we can indeed resist the influence of the external and rely solely on the internal for our happiness and self-esteem, our perception of the world is fundamentally altered. No longer does the future, with all its uncertainties, represent a gaping hole of insecurity. Instead, it comes to embody our limitless potential and infinite excitement. Failure and challenges are no longer threats to our sense of self, but opportunities for excellence.

With these changes in place, the power dynamic shifts. No longer are we at the mercy of the world, reliant on external validation to provide us with temporary relief. The world is instead ours to conquer, a raging sea through which we move with an undaunted and adventurous heart. This state of mind constitutes a delicate balance between arrogance and confidence. On the one hand, we must believe that the external owes nothing to us, and exert no influence over anything that we are or we do. Who is a parent, friend, peer, or teacher, and what is a test, a competition, a ranking, or an organisation to tell us how we should feel about ourselves or go about our lives? But on the other hand, true independent self-esteem means that we accept the words of a parent, friend, peer, or teacher, be it praise or criticism, as valid viewpoints from which we could potentially derive important insights. The outcome of a test, a competition, a ranking, or an application can also constitute essential feedback that outline paths into the future, detailing potential room for further growth. Once we begin to view the world not as the source of validation and our sense of self, but as a part of reality with which we can interact with parity and objectivity, our fear and insecurity melt into nothing, replaced by optimism and courage.

Conclusion

The journey of developing self-esteem is a long and arduous one, but it is also highly fulfilling and rewarding. To persist in this quest, it is important to recognise that we can never truly rid ourselves of the dependent component of self-esteem. It is a part of us by nature, for we as organisms by definition respond to external stimuli. No matter where or who we are, rejection and failure will always taste bitter in our mouths. We must accept this reality. But more importantly, we can recognise that these are temporary, and cognitively readjust to reclaim our courage and indomitable sense of self in the face of challenges. When others tell us that we have failed, do not internalise it as an ultimate verdict. Instead, accept that we might be upset at the moment, and ask ourselves how we feel and what we believe. Gradually, the pendulum would shift, and every time it does we grow more resilient and learn something more.